Custom Robo Battle Revolution: The True Story
by FlamingChain
Summary: A parody of Custom Robo Battle Revolution. Rated T for mild language and mild suggestive themes later. Chapter 4 is up! Ray confronts the burglar, and takes about 1 step forward in the plot. Hey, at least I'm not dead!
1. The lazy man and the creepy landlady

"Wake up! You need that job interview!" yelled a voice.

Ray opened his eyes. There was Lucy, the creepy landlady who liked to watch people sleep. "Mornin' Luce," he said with the slightest hint of despair.

"Morning!? That's a laugh! You're about to miss your job interview. What was it called again, Stale Horse?" "No Lucy, that's what we had for dinner the other day. The place is called Steel Hearts," Ray corrected her. Lucy just ignored it. "Well anyway get dressed fast! You don't want to be late!"

"Oh, come on Luce, we live in the future. All we need to do is to stand in front of the closet door, and I'll be ready for work," Ray said, sounding annoyed. Lucy looked concerned. "I hope you didn't sniff anything illegal at Bogey's the other day," Lucy said worryingly. Ray countered, "Look you're an old whore who likes to watch people sleep! Why don't you go sweep the grass or do something else useless?!" "That's right! I need to sweep the grass today!" Lucy exclaimed.

Ray finally got to change his clothes, cool down a little bit, and decided to talk to Lucy. "It's about time you got a job," Lucy said, "You've been living off your family savings for months." "Yeah, I know," Ray agreed, "but I don't exactly have a Robo for this bounty hunter job. I'm doing this mainly for my dad, even though I almost never got to see him, he gave me this frickin' watch that doesn't tell time and also cuts my circulation, never told me where he was going and lives me this will years later that simply tells me to become a Commander, not to mention- wait a second. Why am I doing this interview in the first place?" Lucy's answer was "So that you can fulfill your father's dreams" but given what Ray had just said about his father, he wasn't so sure he wanted to waste away his life obsessing over action figures, and wanting to collect every robo part manufactured, especially for his crappy father's crappy will. "Well," Lucy continued, "at least you'll get a job."


	2. A Scary Man and one With a Tan

Hey guys. This time I'm going to start off with a writers note. The entire concept of this was created playing Custom Robo with my friends while on vacation. After putting a lot of thought into this, I decided that once I'm done with this parody, I MAY write a parody of Star Fox (which we made on a vacation prior to that, which is barely even remotely relevant to any of the game. That one's probably going to be a lot more random, still funny, but you have been warned (if I ever decide to make it, that is). BTW, Lucy does sweep the grass in the game, go ahead, check! Anyway here is Chapter 2

Ray went off into the city. He remembered the address to Steel Hearts exactly.

When he walked in, he noticed there was a tan man with blonde hair in a jungle-camouflage outfit. The first thing that crossed Ray's mind was, "Why is he tan if there's a big freaking dome covering the sun. If we had tanning salons, then I'd be as tan as him."

So, he walked over to the man, whose name was Harry, who also somehow knew that he was here for the job, and was not a client and told him that if he wanted the job, he should go talk to that big scary man (who didn't have a tan either) and ask for the job.

"Any questions?" asked Harry. "Yeah," said Ray, "Just one. How the hell did you get a tan in a dome that secludes us from the sun, which also has no tanning salons?" "What is this 'sun' of which you speak?" asked a very confused Harry.

Ray shrugged as he said, "I don't really know, but my father used to say stuff to me about the world being round and never ending, as well as this thing called the sun that lights our world."

Walking away from that awkward moment, Ray proceeded to the big scary guy who was oddly enough weeping as he wrote something down. "You okay?" Ray asked, and suddenly got bopped upside the head. "Of course I'm alright ya dense- oh I'm sorry, I thought you were Harry." Ray was about to run out of the building screaming all the way home, but was determined to get a Robo and a job.

"Okay, so you got a Robo?" asked the man. Ray thought to himself, "Of course I don't, you idiot, that's why I'm signing up for this job in the first place!" Instead, he politely said, "I'm sorry, but I don't have a Robo. Do you think you could give me a spare?" Ernest didn't need to say anything. In the next five seconds Ray was tossed out of the building landing on his stomach.

"Aww… Ernest," Harry began, "why'd you have to do that?"

"First he wastes my valuable time writing poe- er, I mean, the list of things we need to do for this run-down building, and…" Ernest went on angrily.

"I have to get this job," Ray thought to himself, "it may be my last chance."

Calling through the door, Ray yelled, "I'm a good cook. Or if you need a janitor I'm the man for the job!" It took him a few seconds to realize those jobs weren't going to make him a commander.

"What if you send me on a mission that will ultimately get me the latest model- er, I mean, scare me away from the job?" Ray reasoned.

Inside, Ernest considered it in his head. On one side, he would get rid of the guy, on the other, what if he did ultimately get a Robo? The guy was on to his freakin' love of poetry! It was only a matter of time before he found out! Ernest was paranoid like that. (It had to do with the coffee he drinks at Bogey's).

Finally, he decided to have Harry take the whelp on the next job.

Speak of the devil! The phone rang.

"Hello?" cried Ernest, "Yeah, yeah, we could handle this. Okay then. No you sound lovely as usual. Don't feel so stressed,"

"Lovely!" Harry exclaimed, "Chief, do you have a girlfriend!?"

"Quiet you!" Ernest yelled back. "It's Linda ya bum!"

"Linda!?" Harry started, "WHOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO! You got it Chief! Let's go!"

"Harry," Ernest continued, "Take the kid with you. Once he sees a real Robo battle, he won't have the guts for this job."

"That hurts," Ray thought to himself, "I'm still here you know."

"Okay then. Well 'rookie', let's go," Harry said.

…And they both walked out of the office…

So, what did you think? Wait until they meet Linda!


	3. Robos Finally!

Finally! I'm starting to type again! 

WARNING: This fanfic contains Linda bashing. If you are a Linda fan, and don't have a sense of humor, don't read this!

Otherwise, hope you like it.

I do not own Custom Robo, I just take the game, and mess the story up (mildly).

Anyway guys, I'm at a crossroads at what fanfic I should make next (along with CR:TTS); first there's a retelling of Fire Emblem through my eyes (which has a prologue and epilogue to my story plus extra scenes, then there's a retelling of Castlevania Dawn of Sorrow, which leads into a sequel I'm writing, and there's gundam seed the true story.

Ray was walking with Harry, who was talking a mile a minute about the Lab Director, Linda.

"She's smart and really funny! I think of her like an older sister. Kinda. Well, not really," Harry explained really fast. Ray had a hard time keeping his laughter to himself. Seriously, Harry couldn't shut up. It was kind of pathetic. 

About 10 meters from the lab, Harry stopped Ray. "By the way," he said very seriously, "No funny business." 

"What do you mean by funny business?" Ray asked. Honestly, the way Harry described her; it was as if she was just one of those celebrities who's bound to end up in a Rehabilitation Center. Why would he want to do anything "funny" with her?

"Oh you know," Harry started, "jumping from behind walls and scaring her. You know, stuff like that."

Ray sighed. What was his father getting him into? Well, if he was going to be a Commander, he might as well know what was at the Research Lab.

"Well, you see," Harry began, "The Lab was made to develop new kinds of Robos and Robo parts for many uses, such as tools for the police squad, or children's toys."

"So, basically, the Lab is like a toy factory with a cool sounding name," Ray summarized.

"Yeah, pretty much," Harry agreed. 

But one thing was bugging Ray. "Let me get this straight," Ray started, "The Lab makes toys for children, and these toys also serve as weapons that can force people in submission." "How the hell are these things legal?"

Harry ignored him. Ray deciding to cut the small talk walked into the Lab for the first time. 

Ray had a curious look on his face. Directly outside the Lab, cops were having staring contests with burgulars, with a floating black orb between each of them. All of a sudden a voice rang out."

"IT'S THOSE BOTTOM FEEDERS!" yelled a nearby cop. "DAMMIT! WE'RE BOUNTY HUNTERS!" Harry launched back. The cop smirked, "Yeah, whatever; you bottom feeders are the lowest of the low. Who asked you to be here anyway, you vultures?" 

"That would be me" said a very seductive voice. Ray turned around to see who said that.

…Oh god…

Walking towards Ray was the biggest SKANK Ray had ever laid eyes on. Fishnet stockings, pink dress under her lab coat (who'd wear a dress to a Lab anyway?), and blonde hair that was obviously dyed (and before you get started Ray's hair color is natural). 

"Watch out Harry! It's a hooker!" Ray cried out at the top of his lungs, tackling Harry to the ground. "What the f- get off of me!" Harry yelled back. "No Harry!" shouted Ray. "Just don't make a move, and the skank won't notice you." 

"Skank what are- Ray that's the Lab Director!" Harry spat out in horror. "Oh shi- um… hi!" Ray recovered. "Nice to meet you! When I said skank, heh, I thought I saw my landlady here."

Linda bought it. Although Ray was right about one thing.

"Hey, you look like a MAN who can play with action figures, with double the action." Linda flirted.

A part of Ray's soul just died. Did she just _hit _on him

"She wasn't like this last time I saw her" Harry whispered to Ray. "When was the last time you saw her?" Ray asked. "It was two weeks ago, right before she- look, it's a long story, maybe another day?" 

Ray agreed. "Anyway, what are we doing here today Linda?"

"You two are here to protect the new Robo Model, Ray 01."

"Okay!" Harry confirmed, "Ray you stay here and let a pro show you how it's done!"

Ray wasn't listening. He was still trying to decide which was weirder; a horny woman in charge of a "Research Lab" (what did they research any way, they made freakin' action figures), or the fact that his father's dying wish was to become a soldier who used toys as weapons.

After a while, when Harry was fighting a criminal, Ray was getting bored.

"What the hell's going on?" he asked Linda, who was constantly trying to hit on him, but to no avail. "They're fighting, of course" was her answer.

"No, they're just staring at each other."

"They're in the Holoseum" Linda said, and continued to tell him how a Robo wasn't JUST an action figure, but it was an action figure that fought in a virtual world.

All the time Ray thought, "What the hell? Why not just fight in the real world?", but decided to go along with it. 

"Shouldn't you help him?" Linda asked Ray. Ray was surprised to see that she wasn't hitting on him.

"Harry, I'm here to help you!" Ray said, although there was no freakin' way he could help, since he didn't have a Robo.

"Wha-," CRASH! Harry was on the floor. "Damn!" he yelled. What the hell were you thinking!"

Ray realized he made a horrible mistake. The criminal was going to get away! Wait a second; the burglar was just standing there scratching his ass. There wasn't a whole lot to worry about. Harry was still in an uproar, though.

"Harry, calm down! I know, I made a stupid move, but I'm sorry. Anyway, let me fight." "You don't even have a Robo!" Harry exclaimed. Harry suddenly seemed deflated "Maybe everyone was right, I'm a joke." 

Ray was not going to let his could-be partner act this way. He had to help! 

But how?

Thankfully, while the burglar wasn't doing anything productive, Ray had time to think of what he heard Linda tell him.

Holoseums are virtual worlds where Robos battle.

Robos are contained in cubes while in the real world.

Hey! do you want to see my- 

Ray shook the last memory from his mind. One thing became clear; he had to steal an action figure- I mean Robo. Or, to stay out of trouble with the law, he could pick up the one that just happened to fall off a bunch of boxes when Harry fell.

The cube was labeled Ray01. Wait a second! If this was the Robo the criminals were here for, why didn't they just take it? 

Ray pressed a button on the cube, and the entire area started to shake for no apparent reason.

"Was that an eye-scan registration?" Harry asked.

Ray thought back to Linda's explanation of eye-scan registration. "It's when a Robo cube is locked to an individual's DNA. This occurs when a button is pressed and the person holding the cube makes eye-contact. Speaking of eye-contact, look at my-," he had to get therapy when this was all over.

Why, if it was for the eyes, did the GROUND start to shake? Shaking the thought from his head, Ray turned towards the criminal, (who was picking his nose) and was to proceed to his first Robo battle…


	4. A tense filler

Sorry for the delay, when I finally started to type, the computer broke down. I do not own custom robo.

As we left Ray, he was walking towards the generic burglar standing in front of him.

"Yo, kid," stated the burglar, "you sure you wanna do this? After all I'm a professional."

"Sorry," Ray said. "You guys are just too stupid and dangerous to be allowed to escape. Might as well save the trouble of sending the police to bag you."

"Heh, you've got some balls. Especially since you're mocking us as common criminals, even though technically you stole that robo you just got."

Now Ray was at a loss for words. Well, on one hand, he _did_ steal the robo, but on the other, he was doing it for a worthy… sigh. There was no way out of this one. He could only hope that bimbo, Linda "loved" him enough to bail him out. On second thought, she probably had a fetish for the whole "jailhouse" theme. Upon that thought, Ray felt the same part of his soul die again. With a job like this, that was bound to happen a lot.

"Look, can we get this over with?" Ray asked, the anxiety of the upcoming fight becoming anxiety of whips, chains, and leather. A plan was formulating into his head.

"Okay, kid, your funeral," the burglar said as he pulled out his robo cube.

Ray stood still as blue ripples began to form around him and the burglar. The burglar seemed to enter a sort of trance.

It was time…

…WHAM!

Ray punched the burglar right before he entered the holoseum.

Upon the blow to the head, the burglar fell to his feet.

"OW!" he exclaimed! "The hell was that for? You call that a fair, clean fight?!"

Ray was about to say that a burglar isn't fair, nor clean, but he was interrupted.

"Honestly, man! Have you no shame?" shouted Harry sitting on the floor.

After the burglar screamed such exclamations such as "your mother weeps in hell", Ray realized that the entire world was mad. His father wanted THIS for him? _Thanks pop, I'll honor your memory on father's day, _WasRay's sardonic thinking.

"Fine, I'll play it your ways," said Ray, whose voice was surprisingly calm. "Do you want me to kiss your bruise to make it better?"

"Yes, that would help actually," was the burglar's reply. "Wait! I mean, I'm gonna kick your ass for saying stuff like that."

"Oh no! Now I'm really scared!" Ray sarcastically commented.

Glaring at each other, the two raised their cubes.

I know, that was really short, but I needed a way to tell my readers that I'm not dead. The next chapter will hopefully end Ray's first mission. It's winter break, so I have a lot of typing time.


	5. A holoseum and a pair of siblings

Sorry for the delay, but I have finally regained my motivation to type. For anyone wondering, my computer crashed again, but now I'm borrowing my grandma's computer. Before the computer crash, I typed in exquisite detail the experience of diving and fighting in the holoseum. I put so much effort into it that when I lost my data, I lost my drive. To Aquatic-Idealist (if he's still reading this) I'm holding off the Fire Emblem fanfic because of this in case you were wondering. I meant to get back to the story, as with my FF4 fanfic, but I just didn't want to retype so much. I took a year off and I'm ready to resume. So without further ado, let's resurrect the hilarious hijinks of Ray and his tan (actually, to respond to RedemptionOfMyOwnLife, I think he's black too, but the way his hair grows led me to believe otherwise, Mira's another story) amigo. One last thing, I don't own Custom Robo, and I haven't played the game in months, so I don't know if the damage done is accurate.

Ray once again allowed the aura of blue light to surround him. Not that he wanted to. He should be allowed to punch the sodding criminal and be done with it.

Everything went black. Ray found himself stuck, he couldn't see anything, couldn't breathe. He actually had to hold back the urge to scream. In his head he could hear a timer go off.

_ 3...2...1..._

_ Go_

Ray was launched in the air. It was the first time he could take in his surroundings. The area was bland, mostly black, with a holographic grid serving as the ground, with slightly more detail starting to pool into the arena. Soon shapes and colors filled the arena. Ray was awestruck at the sight, but the first thing he noticed was his lack of mobility. Try as he might, Ray couldn't move.

Taking things one step at a time Ray remembered that Harry warned him about this prior to diving. Apparently, once deployed he would still be stuck in his current state as a robo cube, not that Ray would be able to notice the difference, to him, he would just be sitting down. Now it was a race to see who could break out of his cube first. As Harry had intelligently put it, fighting with robos was as easy as **"Turn, tappity-zoom zoom, jumpity jump, bang bang, boom boom, blam, craaaaash!".**

...Whatever the hell that meant. Ray realized that he could see the other robo cube and noticed that the countdown timer that determined the time left before the player would be permitted to fight was at was at 4 seconds left for his rival, while he was already down to one.

_Damn, this game is easy!_ Ray thought to himself. _Guess who's about to get their ass handed to them?_

Upon deploying, Ray launched a bomb from the gun on his left arm, the bomb flew in an arc towards coordinates he had set. Coordinates that just so happened to be where his enemy lay.

Ray took a greater look at the details in his visor. The information displayed his health and stamina, and the enemy health as well as his DOWN status (which Ray assumed happened once you took down enough of the enemy's stamina). His enemy's HP read 890, while he was still at a perfect 1000.

Ray proceeded to charge into the other robo, but missed, and he noted that the enemy's status now said REBIRTH. Using deductive reasoning, Ray figured this what happens shortly following the DOWN phase.

Ray quickly managed to avoid the enemy's counterattack, and followed up with an attack from the pods Ray found were implanted in his back. Ray noted how the pods moved slowly, and the enemy's evasion told him that pods suck and should not be used. Ever.

Then again, they could prove to be useful in cornering the enemy. Making sure the enemy had landed in the corner, Ray unleashed his pods from both sides with him to fill the hole in the offensive wall.

Before his opponent could decide, Ray decided to shoot him with his gun, rendering him to 810 health points. At this point the robber was hit by one of the offending pods, bringing about another down status.

Ray noted the robber's HP, now at 750. Having fully acquired knowledge of the way the custom robo worked, Ray proceeded to whittle down his enemy's HP.

Eventually, Ray won his first battle with a perfect HP count.

As Ray returned to reality, Harry was awestruck. No matter how bad the commander, no one's ever been able to acquire a perfect on the first try. In most cases the person would screw up at one point and get hit at least once. But this random guy, simply looking for work had managed to take out the guy without a scratch.

Ray opened his eyes to find Harry staring at him like he was an alien. "Um, hi?" Ray said sheepishly as he emerged from the holoseum, metaphorically of course. Harry conveyed his message in a well thought out and organized manner. "HOLY CRAPMAN! I knew you had potential, but how'd you manage to pull a perfect out of your ass on the first try?

Before Ray could explain to Harry how some people just weren't born with talent, the next policeman fell to the ground. Harry noticed this and spoke up. "Uh oh, looks like another copper blew it!" He said with disdain. "Why don't you cover for him?"

All Ray could say was a simple, "You're shitting me, right?", to which Harry responded with "Of course not, do I look like I'm joking?! They might steal something else if you're not careful!".

Cursing under his breath, Ray walked up to the robber. _It couldn't be too bad. What's one more battle?_

**THREE BATTLES LATER **

**(THAT"S RIGHT, THREE BATTLES)**

"Geez, this is what they call law enforcement?" Ray sighed, gasping for breath, "I always thought the government blew our taxes out the ass". Harry shook his head. "Yeah, the police department has always been infamous for throwing over the top parties. I've actually heard a conspiracy theory stating that half of the money we spend on taxes actually go to shady deals featuring technological research. Hey, I'm pretty sure we'll never have to get THAT caught up in the goings on of our government!"

They both laughed at Harry's miserable excuse for a joke and went on their merry way to Linda. "Hey Linda, the police suck, bounty hunters rule, give us our pay so we can leave".

Before Linda could say anything befitting of her nature, a woman's voice that had a definite edge to it spoke softly "What was that about the police Harry?"

Ray turned around to see a light skinned African-American woman with short, matted down red hair. She had lighter skin; if she didn't have the matted down Afro, he would've said she just had a tan...

"You heard me sis! Now I can finally rub it in your face! The Steel Hearts have one-upped you and your squad!" Harry seemed to be reveling this moment in absolute pleasure. "I told you I didn't need to study for the police squad to make a difference!"

Ray thought he'd let Harry have his moment, despite the fact that it was RAY who made the difference. Oh well.

Wait a minute, Harry's older sibling is a policeman! Er, policewoman. And that means...

"Oh my god Harry! You mean to tell me that you're actually black?" Ray accidentally blurted out in front of the confused sibling duo.

Well, I'll leave it at there for now. I hope I didn't offend anybody with the black humor. If it helps, I'm about 80% black. I also know that this wasn't the funniest chapter, but this was the tutorial part of the game, and there's was no real way I could incorporate a lot of humor into this chapter.


End file.
